COME AS YOU ARE

I continued in my sin but, still felt guilty inside (PRAISE THE LORD). At age 28, I had been listening to "a pretty well known teacher of the bible" on the radio on my 30 minute commute to work.  For a few months, I felt led to get back into church.   I did not have a church but, I found one...it happened to be the same church & pastor that was on the radio!  

Finally I thought I was going there to find what I was looking for! ANSWERS!  After all, why did I still have guilt when I wasn't a back biter or a God hater? I brought my girlfriend with me & together we would find the answer.

Right before age 30, I had a granmal seizure clearly outta the blue.  Looking back on that, I saw that God was trying to get my attention....That was not enough, I continued in my sin.
 

At age 33, my secretary approached me & said that she had a cousin that was pregnant & it was to late for abortion & asked me if I would be interested in adopting her baby. I excitedly said yes & met the woman at the doctors office for the sonogram in her 7 month. We talked, she liked me & gave me the sonogram picture & said, here is your son. I cried. I always wanted a child but obviously could not have a child in this lifestlye.

Ryan was born on Easter Sunday .....& I cut his umbilical cord & held him in my arms seconds old.  It was the most happiest moment I had ever experienced.  Not for one minute did I think my lifestyle would mess him up I was so far in denial.

Sue & I, raised him for 3 years. Ryan called her mommy Suzie & everything seemed so wonderful.  Then Sue & I started to have problems BIG PROBLEMS looking back,  I know now that God sent the problems just like he sent the seizures.  We ended up breaking up.

There I was, alone for the first time in my life with my 3 year old child.  The last thing I wanted to do was find another partner but, I was so scared to be alone & raise Ryan by myself.   Who was I??  I couldn't do this! I needed help!

A few months went by & I started to listen to Christian radio again on my way to work & back.  Then I started reading the Bible every week or so & got excited to hear Charles Stanley a pretty well known teacher of the bible!  One day in June 2001,  I heard a teaching on How To Handle Your Emotions. What a powerful teaching it was.  After every tapes end, he invited his listeners to Except Jesus.
 
I excepted Jesus 12 times.  I felt God starting to move in my heart, I got on my knees  & started to pray & cry.  I cried out " GOD HELP ME",! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO"!  It was then that I felt Gods presence around me & an indescribable peace came over me.  It was the most wonderful feeling!  I knew God was there with me. 

I prayed for God to help me see the truth & I turned to that very same scripture in Romans that I have read over & over & over all my life................Romans 1   I asked God to show me plainly & clearly & give me wisdom. I read. It was so clear to me! It was like a huge dark cloud was lifted from my eyes. I saw clearly for the first time in my life without a shadow of a doubt ... I knew If I continued in this sin, I was goin to hell in a rocket. 

We want people to understand that gay people are human too, they are simply lost.  I did not wake up 1 day & say gee, I think i'd like to hurt my parents deeply not to mention the rest of my family, not be able to have children.   I didn't say to myself, " I think I wanna be an outcast & hide my feelings from public & have people look down on me & possibly loose my business if people found out about me scrambling to try & remember which lie I told last.

I made it ok in my head just like most people for years.  I asked a few friends of mine before I was saved , "if you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you would go to hell for living this lifestyle would you continue"? Every single one of them said no. But none of us knew what to do next.  

My childhood was probably a lot like yours:  school, sports, siblings who teased me.  You could definitely say that I was a tomboy – I guess I still am!  I loved sports, playing outside and wrestling with my older brothers. 

I liked boys in high school, but I always felt different.  That’s it; just different.  I grew up in a Christian home with very loving parents, so I couldn’t figure out what was different about me.  I enjoyed church and tried to be involved with the youth group.  However, the more involved I tried to be, the more different I felt.  I didn’t know how to cope, so I began to drink.  Sometimes, I was drunk when I went to church activities.  I just wanted others to accept me, but I couldn’t figure out who I was.

By the time I graduated from high school, I just wanted to get out of the small Wisconsin town I grew up in and make a fresh start.  My older sister lived in California, so I decided to move out there.  It wasn’t long until I joined a softball team which was the first time I met women who were in homosexual relationships.  I was kind of surprised when I figured out that they were gay, but I was curious to know more, after all, these were the first people who really accepted me. 

When I was 22, I had my first homosexual relationship.  I felt like I could finally be myself around someone, but that relationship caused me to alienate myself from my family.  I knew my Christian parents and siblings wouldn’t understand, so I withdrew from them and found a new family in the homosexual community.  I thought I did a pretty good job of hiding my relationships, but my family began to figure out that my roommate might be more than just a friend.  After five years of living the homosexual lifestyle, my niece asked me about it.  If it was anyone else, I would have lied, but I felt like she could handle the truth.  I quickly regretted being honest with her because she ran away from me (literally) and told my entire family what I had said.  I wasn’t ready to be “outed” to my family, nor was I prepared to handle their reaction.  My sister said that the devil was in me and my brother took the news very personally, telling me that I had offended him with my decisions.  At my parents prompting, he immediately flew out to California to convince me to move home or at least get me some help.  I didn’t want help, and I can honestly say that their reactions did more harm than good. If they were professing to be Christians, why weren’t they acting Christ-like?  I needed their love, but their judgmental attitudes and condescending words pushed me away.  I wanted absolutely nothing to do with Christians or God after that.

Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:31-32

I lived the homosexual lifestyle for several more years without feeling convicted.  One woman that I lived with decided that we should go to church.  I can’t explain why, but I was open to the idea and actually enjoyed the Non-denominational church we started going to.  The church didn’t touch the subject of homosexuality, so we were very comfortable there.  We started reading our Bible together and praying.  Eventually, we broke up, but not because of conviction – our relationship had just come to an end. 

I suppressed the feelings of conviction and tried to continue my lifestyle. I was not a Christian, nor did I want to be.  I knew that if I became a Christian God would want to change me and I wasn’t ready for that.  One day, I felt the Lord tell me that if I didn’t change my lifestyle I would go to hell.  I knew God wanted me to move from California back to Minnesota.  After a about 7 mo's, I excepted Jesus as my savior & became born again!!  After I gave my life to the Lord  is when God began to set me free from homosexuality. 

There have been temptations and stumbles along the way.  I fell into sexual sin again about five years after becoming saved.  After a short time, I felt the Lord’s conviction and I began to cry out for help.  I was too afraid to reach out to anyone for help.  I had also convinced myself that God wouldn’t give me another chance so I felt completely helpless and devastated.  Even though I was sure that He would reject me, I cried out to the Lord and asked Him to change me.  That was truly the worst part of the battle.